May 14, 2012

How to Instigate and Exacerbate a Lovers' Spat

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Why, hello there! Welcome to my very first tutorial: How to start and escalate a fight with your significant other. Obviously, this is a What Not to Do, unless you intend to break up soon. Now, if you're reading this, chances are you have the pleasure of knowing me personally and you're well aware that I don't usually shy from confrontation, especially with the ones that I love the most. If you don't face the problem head-on, how else would it be righted so we can all live happily ever after? But some may say (*cough*Brett*cough*) that sometimes I come on a little too strong.

Well, the good news is I've learned/am learning/am trying to learn from past mistakes. The bad news is I'm stubborn and typically don't like long drawn-out conversations about my/your/our problems. I'm impatient. Don't judge. Anway, this tutorial is thus merely a list of lessons I have learned not to do in my thirty-one years of life on this planet. I must warn you: these are extreme examples and really, I'm not that cruel, and we're actually quite nice to each other, most of the time.
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Ways to Instigate and Exacerbate a Lovers' Spat

  • Begin aggressively
    Instead of calmly bringing the matter to light with your partner, immediately berate and accuse them of wronging you. Yell, stomp your feet, slam cabinets and doors; you must make it very clear that (a) you're mad as hell and (b) you're no one to be trifled with. It helps if this comes from out of the blue and with a lot of attitude. A LOT. Of at-ti-tuuuuude.

  • Make it not just about the issue, but also about his/her character
    Instead of "Honey, what you said in front of our friends tonight embarrassed me," go with "EH! Why'd you say that tonight? You are so stupid and you don't think before opening that trap of yours!" Make it as hurtful and personal as possible. Really go in for the kill and dig in to every little character flaw that you can think of. Using superlative terms like "worst ever" is also a bonus.
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  • Play the Blame Game and don't forget to keep score
    Use a lot of "You" language as in "You did this," "You said that," and "You are this." Shy away from any jargon that sounds like "I feel," "We do so much better when," etc. Whatever the problem, you had nothing to do with it. It'll be easier the sooner they start to realize this so keep tabs on everything good that you have done for them and all the bad that they have done towards you. All the other stuff is irrelevant.

  • Name-call and use lots of Curse words 
    My number one rule for making a fight worse: call each other the worst names in the book--make some up if you run out--and string together all the curse words possible. This should certainly put them in their place and hurt them for days or even weeks to come. It should really sting, so don't forget a good "Eff you, you [blanketty-blank]!" or two.
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  •  Hit 'em where it hurts!
    Stick with what works--if it stung in a previous fight, be sure to use it again, with gusto! Extra points if you bring up childhood issues, past relationships, or super-personal private insecurities.

  • Get defensive
    Deny, deny, deny. It helps if you don't listen to what they're saying, have said, or might have possibly said at some point that you vaguely sort of don't remember. If they're accusing you of something, point out that they're way more wrong about something else. Let them know that if it may seem like you did something bad, it was probably their fault you did it.
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  •  Be filled with contempt
    Make sure you can take a sarcastic or mocking tone. Practice eye-rolling and other annoyed facial expressions in the mirror beforehand. Make sure that all your body language screams, "You are so stupid!" Throw in as many rude jokes, sneers, and amused chuckles so as to let them know that they can't faze you, you're so much better than they are.

  •  Completely shut down
    Hey, sometimes our partner may have a point. In fact, this whole fight may be pointless, or worse, completely your own fault! In that case, shut off entirely. Ignore them. Walk away. Drive away, if possible. Don't answer phone calls or texts for at least three hours. Make them wonder where you are and what you're doing.
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  • Never surrender
    Don't ever apologize, not for the thing that you did to start the argument, not for the things you said when it got heated, not for the physical and verbal abuse you rained on your partner, not for nothin'. [Disclaimer: just joking about the abuse part, don't do it, everything else is fine] Even after he/she breaks down and offers a peaceful ending, stand your ground, thank them for the apology, and order them to make your dinner. Be thankful that they finally learned their lesson.

You might actually remember from this blog post that I was a late guest to the Apology Party, but now that I've attended and seen how productive and proactive it is, I'm a frequent visitor. It makes such a difference in everyone's lives. 

Anyway, thanks as always for reading! I hope that you learned something--anything--from this post! My next topic, according to Her New Leaf, is "A Day in the Life," and it should be fun, since we're at the beach house for the next week! What do we do all day? Eat, read, lay around, sit on the porch, have festive happy hours daily, eat some more. Brett and his family go for walks and runs, but I prefer my exercise to be more mental ;) 

Have a great week!


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